How Do You Actually Forgive?

We’ve all heard that forgiveness is important. That it’s really about setting ourselves free. That holding onto anger or pain only weighs us down. And while that might all be true, let’s be honest… there’s not a lot of information on HOW to forgive.

We hear things like “Just let it go.”

And you’re left thinking… “Uh, how? Is there a lever I’m supposed to pull?”

Forgiveness can feel like this elusive idea that sounds good in theory, but when you’ve been deeply hurt, it can be so hard to access.

Because some wounds run very deep. Some things really did change us. And we can’t always just snap our fingers and “let it go.” So what do you do instead?

Here’s what I’ve found to be true, both personally and through my work helping clients heal at a deep, subconscious level:

1. Acknowledge the pain without justifying the action

Forgiveness is not saying what happened was okay. It’s saying: I’m no longer going to carry this poison in my body.

You can hold both truths:

• What they did was wrong.
• You still deserve peace.

2. Feel the emotion fully and safely. Unprocessed emotions are like energy stuck in the body. They don’t go away until they’re expressed.

Healthy outlets can include:

• Writing the “letter you never send.”
• Speaking the words out loud in a safe space.
• Moving your body to release the energy (running, dancing, or even screaming into a pillow).

In Hypnotherapy, I often guide clients to safely release emotions they’ve carried for years. The freedom that comes afterward is profound.

3. Separate the action from your identity. One of the deepest wounds is when someone’s behaviour makes us question our own worth.

A key reframe: What they did reflects who they are, not who you are. This shift cuts the tie between their action and your sense of self.

4. Shift the meaning of the pain

Ask yourself: What strength did I discover through this?

• Did it teach me boundaries?
• Did it reveal my resilience?
• Did it deepen my compassion?

Finding meaning doesn’t justify what happened. It allows you to reclaim agency.

5. Practice compassion without excusing. Having compassion doesn’t mean excusing or agreeing with the hurt. It means seeing the truth:

• Hurt people often hurt people.
• Their behavior reflects their wounds, not your worth.
• They have to live with their actions. You don’t.

When you can see the pain behind their behavior without carrying it yourself, you step into strength.

Forgiving with compassion doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior, it means holding space for the possibility of growth and change. When we hold someone in shame, they often keep their head down and stay stuck in that shame. But when we forgive, we offer them the chance to lift their gaze, to do better, and to step into a higher version of themselves. In that way, forgiveness doesn’t just bring us peace, it helps make the world a better place. It inspires growth, change, and the possibility of healing on both sides.

And it’s important to remember that you are human too. You’re also navigating a human experience, and inevitably, you will make mistakes along the way. Some of those mistakes, whether yours or someone else’s, can feel horrible and nearly impossible to forgive. Yet in many cases, choosing forgiveness creates the space for someone to take responsibility, focus on others, and truly change. We are all capable of transformation if we are willing.

6. Choose freedom again and again

Forgiveness isn’t usually a one-time event. It’s a choice you may need to repeat. Some days you’ll feel lighter, other days old anger resurfaces. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means you’re human.

When those moments come, gently remind yourself: I’m choosing peace, for me.

Practical tools that help:

• Visualization: Imagine putting the pain in a box, locking it, and handing it back. It’s theirs to carry, not yours.
• Mantras: Repeat phrases like “I release this pain” or “I choose freedom.”
• Work with a Hypnotherapist: This is where I can help. In my Hypnotherapy practice, I guide clients to release the subconscious pain that keeps forgiveness out of reach. Together, we uncover and rewire the deeper patterns so you can finally feel free.
• Coaching support: Having a guide in your corner makes the process faster and safer. Through my Coaching, I help clients move from anger and hurt into clarity, boundaries, and strength.

Forgiveness is a process. Each time you soften your grip and choose healing over hurt, you reclaim a little more of your power.

You don’t forgive because what happened was okay. You forgive because you deserve peace more than you deserve to keep carrying the pain.

🤗 Struggling with this? Come see me. This is exactly the kind of deep healing I help people with through Hypnotherapy and Coaching.

Email: info@leadingedgehypno.com and let’s talk.